2016/11/26

Secret Relationships

Secret relationships can appear very romantic. They can be accompanied by an aura of excitement and a hint of forbiddance. It's what we long for, what we love in stories like "Romeo and Juliet" or "Dirty Dancing". But in real life, secret relationships can hurt a lot. At least for me, they have completely lost their atractiveness. 






Today I wanted to share with you how I experienced a secret relationship. I already told you that I was in a friends-with-benefits-relationship (and why I don't recommend it)and this was also a relationship that I was to keep secret. There were several reasons for that and I'm not sure if I even know all of them, but I guess the most important one was that he didn't want his parents to find out. 

I never told my mother or my aunt with whom I had talked about everything related to boys until that point. I thought they wouldn't understand me. They would have told me to stop it and I didn't want to hear that. When I talked to them about him I pretended that we were just friends. 

He also asked me not to tell my friends. We needed to be extremely careful so no one saw us because they would know right away - even if we were just talking or walking next to each other. It sounds a little paranoid now, but I think that he was genuinely afraid of his parents. I don't feel that this blog is the place to give you all the background information, but I don't think that he was crazy to be that careful. 

But I don't want to indulge in the details. I rather want to give you three things that a secret relationship has done for, pardon, to me. 


1. I failed to keep a trustful relationship with my mother and my aunt


I didn't confide in my mother and my aunt when I would have needed their advice and counsel the most. And once I started lying and leaving things out, I was too ashamed to tell them because I then would have had to fill them in on all the details I never told them. Our mother-daughter-relationship had already suffered in the years before that, but my aunt used to be my confidante until I started the friends-with-benefits-relationship. It wasn't easy to rebuild that trust, especially since I moved out shortly after the FWB had ended, but I'm trying my best to visit them from time to time. And when I can't visit them, I give them a call. 


2. I had to deal with problems on my own


I kept most of it to myself. After all that was what I had promised to do. There were some things that I needed to discuss with my friends but I always felt bad afterwards for breaking my promise. And I was just a teen, a stubborn teen! Even though they tried their best, they could hardly keep me accountable. Thus I was left alone with most of my issues. That's one of the downsides of keeping a relationship secret: when you have an issue or a fight with your partner, the only one you can talk to is the one that you're having a problem with! 


3. I couldn't share how I felt


Whether I was happy or sad, I couldn't answer when somebody asked how I felt. The best way was to keep quiet to avoid inconvenient situations. I was always rather secretive about my feelings, even before that secret relationship, but it was very hard not to share the feelings that I wanted to share, too. 

Relationships are not meant to be secret


While it is true that relationships are first and foremost a private matter of the persons involved, they are not meant to be kept secret. The feedback of friends and relatives is vital for a successful relationship. For example, they can help you solve problems or bring you back down to earth after a fight. You can learn a lot from your parents' and your friends' relationships when you open up to them and let them see your interaction with your partner. It's so good to have their approval!

All these things are impossible in a secret relationship and I have learnt to appreciate them in my relationship with my boyfriend that I shared with my friends and family from the start on. 

And it's not just that my family and my friends know my boyfriend and I know his. No, he is a part of my family and he's getting involved in some family activities like birthdays or celebrating holidays. And that's how it should be!


Have you ever been in a secret relationship? 

Do you think it's important that your parents are okay with your relationship? Why or why not?

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2 comments:

  1. Interesting points. Interesting post. When we hear about people cheating which is usually the most common reason for a secret relationship we don't really think of how damaging it can be to those inside the relationship as well as those on the outside.

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    1. Hi Melissa :)

      I was thinking of mostly teenage relationships which might be secret because the parents think they're too young to be in a relationship or they don't like that particular boyfriend/girlfriend. Or because they think it's uncool or strange to talk to their parents about relationships. Both the parents and the kids might not know how to build a trustful relationship in puberty. Or it might be an act of rebellion. But I guess these things are the same in almost any secret relationship, no matter why they're kept secret.

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