2016/09/20

On Testdriving People


As always on a free day, I logged into the women's forum that I'm in to read through all the new posts. Today I found something extraordinary and I knew I needed to make a blog post about it. So there's this young woman in her mid-twenties and here's what she says: 

So far, I had sex with 7-10 men, I don't know the exact number. I love all the experience I was able to collect and I think that experience with as many people as possible is what makes sex good.
I could only discover what I like and what I don't like through sleeping with so many men. My partner had sex with 30-40 women and I'm really jealous that I didn't live like this in the past. 

I always have sex on a first date. If the sex is not perfect and he doesn't satisfy me 100%, I don't waste my time getting to know him. 

Wow, that was quite a tough read, wasn't it? Unfortunately, this young woman ran straight into the trap our culture sets and has brought "testdriving" to perfection. 

What is testdriving?


But what is this "testdriving"? It's exactly what you think it is. Like going to a car dealer and testdriving a car to see if you like it, you take a person and try out if he or she does what you want him or her to do in bed. 

There are just two problems: people aren't cars and the whole "experience thing" is just a myth. 

Why People Aren't Cars - But That's Obvious, Right?


Let's start with the first point. People aren't cars. Cars don't have feelings, people do. Cars may take physical damage from being testdriven, but usually they don't. But when people are treated like objects, they take emotional damage. Treating somebody as an object means ignoring someone's feelings. Attacking someone's integrity. If we testdrive a person on a date, we treat them like objects. 

But why do we date or court? To get to know a person, to see if there's a solid base for a loving and respectful relationship. So testdriving or "test-sleeping" a person on the first date, one of the most disrespectful and objectifying things to do in dating, is supposed to lead us to a respectful relationship? To judge people solely on their performance in bed before really knowing them will result in a loving attitude towards the partner? I don't think so. 

Experience Is All That Matters?!


Now here's the second point. This young woman, as well as many others, bought into the lie that experience is all that matters for good sex. Even if it were, there are two types of experience: quantitative (as much as possible with as many partners as possible regardless of the quality) and qualitative (the focus is on the quality rather than the quantity). Maybe that's obvious, but the quantitative experience doesn't lead anywhere. Even if you had, like her boyfriend, 40 sex partners, this might not help you at all. Why? Because everybody has different preferences and number 41 might still be different from everyone you had before. 

But qualitative experience? There's still, as with every kind of past experience, the danger of comparison. Instead of focussing on learning intimacy together as a couple, you then spend a lot of time thinking about your ex who did this way better. And you don't need experience. You can learn everything together with your partner. Of course, it might not be 100 % perfect from the start. That's just normal. And on your first date, where you might hardly know each other, you can't expect somebody to know everything that you like and to do everything right from the start. You're intimately connecting with somebody that you don't have an emotional connection yet. How is that supposed to work out? Of course it doesn't work!

The Wrong Approach


This young woman doesn't want to waste her time. However, when you take your time to get to know somebody, when you treat him with respect, this time is hardly ever wasted. The time you take to establish a connection is the base for intimacy so you can learn and grow together. When you then find out after a few dates that you don't match, that's fine. But you went down the respecful road. What does it help you to know that you have great sex, but you don't match on every other level? You've only hurt yourself and the other person. 

So these where my thoughts on testdriving people. I know, I sound a little harsh, but it's a controversial topic, isn't it?

This is also not everything that's related to this topic. In fact, I'm planning to do a post on why your partner doesn't need to satisfy you 100% 24/7 very soon :) as this is a huge topic on its own. 

Please note that this post is not meant to shame couples who became physically involved too soon by accident. That's something completely different than planning to testdrive somebody! 

So what do you think? And what would you tell such a person who's even proud of her method of testdriving? Would you talk to them at all?

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