2016/07/14

On Boundaries And Why They Matter



I’ve always thought that love and sex belonged together. But when I reached puberty and hormones and feelings started to go wild, I started to question this truth. That's how I ended up in a "friends with benefits" relationship... (more on that here in another post)

I think every girl can relate to the situation when you have crush after crush, you’re falling in love so often, but nobody ever seems to return your love. All your friends experience their first kisses, first loves, first times. And slowly a thought creeps into your mind…
“If only I could have my first kiss, too. I don’t ask for love. Just one kiss…” And without recognizing it, you’ve started to weaken your boundaries.


Boundaries are prudish


These days, we are taught that keeping boundaries is prudish. We are taught that we can kiss, make out and have sex with anybody we want to. Just because we kiss someone or sleep with someone, we shouldn’t expect them to love us. It’s just a kiss. It’s just sex. Nothing serious. They make sure that we know all about contraception and STI prevention. Otherwise, we can do whatever we want whenever it feels right. No one teaches us to protect our heart.

But boundaries can do just that. They help you not to get carried away by spontaneous feelings and to remain focused on keeping your heart safe. Consciously thinking about your expectations and boundaries before going on a date or entering a relationship can help you against being surprised and overwhelmed by temptation.


Start thinking about your boundaries


I think that most of us have to some degree internalized that “love and sex should not be separated”. But how often do we really think about our boundaries? Have you ever consciously thought about if you want to apply that truth on you love life? When it comes to me, I have never done that and it was easy to ignore the vague feeling that “something about what I’m going to do is not right”.

I wish my parents, my friends and teachers would have encouraged me to set up boundaries and to stick to them. This would have spared me a lot of pain and false decisions. I wish I would have known that someone who loves me will respect my boundaries and won’t ask me to compromise them. My experience has shown me that if you don’t have a firm stand that will not waver even in extreme situations, you’ll be led to do things you’ll regret (and even though it was only a teenage relationship, the first break up really is an extreme situation).


The boundaries I came up with


My boundaries are clear now: No making out/sex outside of a loving and respectful relationship and no relationship without love. I’m not sure about kissing, but I think that this belongs in a relationship, too. I would never again kiss somebody I’m not interested in. Since I am in a relationship right now, I hope that I don’t have to date again any time soon :D but if I had to, I won’t do it unprepared. 

And there are still some boundaries in my relationship: I don’t want to have children out of marriage. I don't want to be just "the girlfriend" forever but to get married after some time. And although cheap accommodation is rare when you’re studying, I would never share a flat with a male that I’m not in a relationship with.


Conclusion


Our society seems to cheer for the girls and men that don’t have boundaries. I want to cheer for those that guard their heart. It is not prudish to save your first kiss for someone you love. It is not mature, cool or a good idea to decide to sleep with someone just to have some experience to brag about!

May this post serve as an encouragement for you to stick to you boundaries!

Have you ever struggled with peer pressure and fell into the trap of thinking “I don’t ask for love, just for a date/kiss/sex etc.”?

What are your boundaries? If you haven’t set up any boundaries right now, why?

Do your friends and family support you in keeping your boundaries?

Please tell me in the comments!


What's next?


Stay tuned for the next posts in this series:

Why you shouldn't separate love and sex (19.07.2016)
"Friends With Benefits - My Experiences" (21/22.07.2016)
Why No One Benefits From Friends With Benefits (26.07.2016)

2 comments:

  1. Great post!

    Saying "It's just a kiss" or "It's just sex" is like saying, "It's just an atomic bomb." They are powerful! They can destroy, or even kill people like in the case of STDs. Or, used rightly, can be wonderfully glorious and strengthen two people.

    Like you said, boundaries protect us, and empower us. Fire is a wonderful tool when controlled within a fire place or an oven burner, but when it breaks outside of those boundaries, it can burn your whole house down and be very destructive. Playing carelessly with fire isn't a sign of maturity, but immaturity!

    To answer your question though, my boundaries are as follows:
    - No romance of any kind outside of a committed relationship.

    I think the only truly committed relationship is a marriage, and I believe that God created married to be for life. Because of this, I have never dated, and don't plan on it. I'm saving my first kiss and sex for when I am married.

    Sadly, dating relationships rarely last, and what one thinks is a committed relationship turns out not to be, which is why even within a loving relationship, I don't think it would be loving to express romance unless you were committed to the other person for life in a marriage.

    I'm also very careful with my interactions with the opposite gender, and am seeking to be faithful to my future wife even before having met her, even before marriage. And not only do I seek to be faithful physically, but also emotionally, saving the deepest part of my heart only for her.

    Thank you so much for rejecting the foolishness of the world, and for cheering on those who seek to guard their hearts and bodies. We don't flaunt or carelessly toss around things we find to be valuable. People like to say our Western culture is obsessed with sex and love, but in reality, our culture hates both, because we don't treat them like valuable treasures that need to be protected.

    Thanks for the encouragement, and God bless!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Reagan! Glad you're stopping by!

      I also wrote about that in the other post, "why love and sex should not be separated" ^^ And I'm working on a post right now of the results of me disregarding boundaries, which will be on the blog tonight.

      I'm not writing from a Christian perspective (although I'm rethinking my faith right now and it might evolve into something - difficult to explain at the moment), so my view on marriage is a little bit different (and unfortunately it is no guarantee for a loving and respectful relationship), but basically, I agree with you :) Especially about the egoistic, careless actions when it comes to physical, but also emotional closeness.

      Thank you so much for your comment :)


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